On January 14th 2021 I got a routine mammogram. It was delayed first by neglect - then a pandemic. That day I had a mammogram, then an ultrasound, then a biopsy.
The following Monday our lives changed with the call that no one wants. Tears came. My husband’s anger came. The shock of my family and friends followed. A general fear settled over all of us.
After many scans, pokes and prods, it was determined that I had the most common kind of breast cancer (invasive ductal carcinoma), and it was a lazy cancer. Good news as bad news goes. But it liked to travel a little, though - it had spread to a lymph node. So THE PLAN was for chemo first, then surgery and radiation to follow.
Once I had THE PLAN, I thought I would put something out on Facebook. Then I held off and ultimately decided not to do that. I realized I didn’t want to hear all the “stories”.
My docs told me that every cancer is very different. Unfortunately, a lot of people either have - or knows someone who has - a cancer story. A mom, aunt, cousin…all different stories. So when I told people in my “circle of trust” about my diagnosis, I asked them not to tell me those stories. Those stories weren’t mine. I wanted to let my own story unfold. Why be scared of situations I might never have? Things were scary enough as it was.
That being said, I decided that anger and fear were not helpful in this process. This gave me a more zen way through this chapter of my life. I chose my words carefully. I didn’t have a ‘battle”, “fight like a girl”, or “kick cancer’s ass”. I very nicely asked it to leave. Aggressive words weren’t allowed. For example: the word chemo is scary, so I wouldn’t have “chemo days”. I had “treatment days”.
THE PLAN
Executing THE PLAN has been my #1 project for the last 6 months. My clients have been very understanding about that and they have been amazing. I was able to keep a decent work load because my side effects were mild and manageable. Never any nausea, a couple infection scares, but no major complications during my treatments.
My treatments were suspended in early June due to encroaching neuropathy in my fingers and toes. They tell me that this happens often. THE PLAN was for 16 treatments, and I had 12 of them. Despite the shortfall, good work had been done. My tumor had decreased 30% and the lymph node 60% (down to normal size). Next was surgery - I had a lumpectomy and lymph node dissection. A few days later, my surgeon called with the results with talk of “margins” and “dissections”…and my husband cut to the chase - “when can we call her “cancer-free’?”. She replied, “Right now”.
We celebrated, but I still had a lot of healing to do. I’m six weeks past surgery and nerves in the area are still protesting the disruption, but otherwise, everything has healed wonderfully. I’ve just started radiation, which should be complete on September 29th - the ultimate “Wellness Wednesday”.
Almost three months after chemo I still have some neuropathy in my fingers and toes, but they are slowly getting better. And my fingernails don’t look so hot - but they are growing out. So is my hair. A crew cut isn’t my aesthetic, but it will have to do for now. I see many “bad hair days” in my future, but my husband says there are no bad hair days as long as I have hair. I look forward to the day when everything sorts itself out.
What Comes Next?
During this time I wasn’t seeking out new clients, but was well able to keep my existing ones going. My business was kind of “on idle”, I guess. I look forward to stepping on the gas with some new clients. And I think I’ll also be writing a book about all this. I had been doing a caringbridge.org journal to keep everyone up to date on what was going on with me - so I wouldn’t have to repeat all that information to all interested parties. Lo and behold - people were entertained by my medical crisis. OK - obviously they weren’t entertained by the crisis, but the way I wrote about it.
Over the last couple years I have been working with an editor - I do book covers for her clients. I also wrote some articles for a magazine she worked on. I even wrote a chapter for an anthology this year! Let’s call all this a “sign”. :)
A book might help someone. I had Reiki sessions all through this process to keep the healing energy flowing and my mind calm. My practitioner (Carla at soultosolepgh.com) has worked with many cancer patients and she said my approach to getting through this was very different than most. So I think we’re going to work on it together. Watch this space and we’ll see what happens. Now that I’ve put it “out there” the Ravenclaw in me will certainly make it happen.
The Birth of the Harry Potter “Phoenix Tears” Sign
